Hi, I was almost done blogging and again I touched something accidentally and "Puff" it was gone so this is gonna be short. Just wanted to share with you an important event I experienced in the 80's. besides the birth of my first child it was the most significant event. My first time being incarcerated.. I don't really remember all the specifics surrounding the cause of the incarceration and really it's not important at this point. We have already established I did not make stellar choices for myself or my children at this time in my life. I remember it was around valentines day because my heart ached for my one true love...yep you guessed it my funny little valentine(my child Nicole) and I wrote her this from within the walls of a jail cell.
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Hello my funny little valentine, I pray to God you are doing fine...and I want you to know that I didn't choose to go... and the sun, it just isn't as bright since you left my sight...and I miss you so much, how I long for your touch...and though your not here with me , your smiling face I do see every night as I sleep, every day as I weep...and I hope that today to the Lord you will pray ..
For mommy needs you so on this Valentines Day!!

Of course, as I look at it now I realize it was a selfish poem.. I should of never let her know I was weeping on a daily basis and that I was so distressed. Although it's true I didn't choose to leave her, I did choose to commit an illegal act that took me away from her and that was so selfish!!! She needed me, she was just a child! And I put it all on her by saying I needed her so much..but God help me I did and still do..
Of course not in the same selfish way, but I love her and she will always be my dearest love my other self... but that's another poem and another decade!
Nite, and remember it's all about change and staying sober no matter life!! If I could do it, believe me so can you! I promise, it can be done...Just take that first step and believe...I do!!!

Hi, I started classes today summer term B. I am taking a Cognition class which is all about perception and the mind and brain. For example "Why is it we remember some things and not others?" or 'Why is it when we try to cram for an exam we can't concentrate? I don't yet have the answers to these questions but I do find the subject interesting and very appropriate. Why can I remember some things about my past and not others? In the last two post I tell you a little about myself and how I fell into the darkness. I will pick up in the 80's tomorrow and continue with what I can remember of my life, but for today it is important for me to tell you something I forgot in yesterdays post..The point of all my stories is that no matter how far down you fall you CAN get up. No matter how hopeless it seems I promise you it is not ..there is always hope! Change is within your reach you just have to have faith and take that first step towards it..Remember if I can do it ANYONE can!!!
God bless and stay sober no matter life...

Hi first I want to say that I am not in any way blaming my dear mother, my uncle , God or Lucifer for that matter for my addiction or anything else. I take responsibility for all my actions for all my mistakes and for all my victories!! Now that, I have clarified that ... Let me tell you about my day before I pick up where I left of yesterday in the story of my life or what I remember...
Today was a good day! I spent it with my dad and his wife, which are here from South America for a short visit..My dad has Alzheimer's and is 84 so every second I spend with him is like an incredible gift..I relish every second and consider it a blessing from God..Thank you!!

About my life where did I leave off?? Oh yeah, the 80's and my attempt at a geographical change..Well like I told you it did not work, so I came back and got in deeper into crazy stuff...It was a very decadent era, lots of champagne, lots of cocaine lots of well other things that start with C and P for that matter LOL (not sure I can be that explicit on a blog, but you get the picture). I loved my daughter Nicole very much, but hadn't been much of a mom to her and she didn't have a father. So I got it into my head that I needed to give her one.. She was living with my mom and she really liked this single dad that lived across the street and had a young son about her age, Aaron. I started dating him and got engaged in 2 wks and married within the month!! I did not love him, but he was nice and my daughter loved him and most important he was crazy about her and me! I really believed I was doing the right thing at the time. I didn't make very good decisions for myself , but my heart was in the right place. Problem was he was generous so I had more money to support my ever growing cocaine habit!!
I remember with a heavy heart, that I used to put my coke on a tray to cut it up and one day my daughter woke up and almost caught me chopping. I put the tray under the couch and must of passed out because the next day my daughter found it and must of thought it was flour or baking soda because she started making cakes (playing make believe cooking, she was about 8 yrs old)! My beautiful daughter was playing with my drugs!!! If she had eaten one of those make believe cakes she could of died!! And yet did this horrible incident make me "wake up" and change??? Unfortunately it didn't and I only got worse cheating on my husband, partying to all hours of the day or night, staying away for days at a time. Sound familiar?? Obviously the marriage didn't last and my Nicole went back to live with my mom for a while so I could get my life back together and start over, or so I thought. I don't know why but at the time it never occurred to me that I had a problem. Sound familiar? My mom told me I drank and smoked to much, but I just chalked up to motherly concern and well aren't moms notorious worriers anyways??? I never blamed myself for my failures, it was always their fault or the circumstances..I was the victim in all my drama. I spent alot of time depressed and saddened at the world and it's people in general! I always believed that most people are born happy and that had moments of sadness, but I was different I was born sad and had moments of happiness... These happy moments were few and far between and I couldn't think of any unless I thought of my one true love...My funny little valentine..my child Nicole, she could always make me smile even in the darkest moments and still does.. (so do all my daughters, I have 2 others: beautiful Brittany and my lovey dove Briana Nicole, named after both her sisters and me, my family calls me ana or anita) I wanted to honor them through her..by naming her after them and did!
More tomorrow..
Nite all!

Intro My life story or as much as I can remember LOL

Hi I was just blogging and I accidentally touched something and "PUFF" it was gone! I haven't figured it out yet but hopefully I will be able to get through this 1st BLOG. I have always wanted to blog but wasn't sure I had anything very interesting to say. However today I decided to go for it because I felt I did have something worth sharing. Today I stayed sober no matter life!! You may be wondering what the hell that means??? Well it means life happens, families fight, you get stressed, car problems, money problems, spouse problems, school problems...Hence life. So staying sober no matter life means no matter what life throws at you ..you stay sober. I am not saying its easy or doesn't suck sometimes I am just saying don't pick up no matter life..don't give up no matter life.. You may be saying what the hell does that person know about my life, and your right I don't know anything about your life, but I can tell you about mine. Maybe something I say, I've experienced will call out to you and you can relate, maybe not..either way here it is...
Hi I am a 49 year old female who has been sober since October 2006, it is also the last time I snorted, smoked, inhaled or took any drugs! Which is truly a miracle because practically every time I drank I would "experiment with the drug of the day, week, or era. LOL no seriously if it made you feel "good" I'd try it!! Then I try it over and over and over again...get the picture??? Sound familiar??
It all started I believe as a baby when my well meaning mother gave me aguardiente ( a Spanish liquor) in my baby bottles to help me sleep!! Ever since I can remember I drank, I remember being about 7 or 8 years old and being at my family party's and whenever my parents or their guests got up to dance I'd down their shots or rum and coke called "cuba libre" with a twist! I remember being hung over before I was old enough to wear a bra!!! By 12 I was snorting coke, I was introduced to cocaine in Medellin, Colombia S. A by my uncle who used the stuff as an anesthetic in his surgeries. He gave to me so I'd wake up because I was plastered and my mom was gonna KILL me!! I was everyone's favorite niece and the life of the party!! Sound familiar yet??? My life continued and the addictions got stronger. I had a daughter when I was still a teenager Nicole she's beautiful and still the light of my life!!! I tried to straighten up for her but I failed and my mom pretty much raised her along with dad and brother. I was an addict by then but still didn't know or believe it!! Sound familiar??? Not yet?? I'll continue..
I tried a geographical change or rather several, moved to New York from Florida ( I mostly lived in Florida but traveled often for months at a time to South America). It didn't work I lost almost everything including about 30 lbs became pretty much anorexic. Snorted coke all the time now. Did a few Qualudes (remember those?)and thought I looked great!!! Called an x boyfriend sent me a first class ticket and a limo at the airport back to Florida. I did coke on my tray on the plane no one said anything. Drank champagne and the rest is a blurr...Gotta love the 80's LOL!! I had some fun and don't regret all of my past, because it made me who I am today...Any of this ringing a bell yet???
I'll pick up with my life story tomorrow but let me tell you a little about who I am today, so you can understand what I just said. I am a 49 year old mother of 3 girls the youngest which is 5 Briana and lives with me. I am a full time student majoringin psychology and my goals include grad school in the spring of 2011 in mental health counseling so I can help others reclaim their lives and stay sober no matter life. I have recently developed a preventative mental health program for high risk children and am looking into funding opportunities to further explore this possibility. I believe with a preventative program in place high risk children have an opportunity at a mental health live free from substance abuse and full blown disorders. If the program does not eliminate these problems our children face it can greatly reduce them and keep our children out of the criminal justice system and in school...There is so much more to it and that is actually its name the" MAS" program which means "more" in Spanish. Our children deserve more..More of a change for a mentally healthy life. More of a chance of a promising future....
More on this later!!
Goodnite to you all my fellow blogger s, I am not even sure how this works and if you can answer me or comment on what I have written, but I'll continue blogging my life story tomorrow and remember it's all really about staying sober no matter life!!!
Nite... and stay strong, you can do it, if I can anyone can!!
God bless!!!