Hi first I want to say that I am not in any way blaming my dear mother, my uncle , God or Lucifer for that matter for my addiction or anything else. I take responsibility for all my actions for all my mistakes and for all my victories!! Now that, I have clarified that ... Let me tell you about my day before I pick up where I left of yesterday in the story of my life or what I remember...
Today was a good day! I spent it with my dad and his wife, which are here from South America for a short visit..My dad has Alzheimer's and is 84 so every second I spend with him is like an incredible gift..I relish every second and consider it a blessing from God..Thank you!!
About my life where did I leave off?? Oh yeah, the 80's and my attempt at a geographical change..Well like I told you it did not work, so I came back and got in deeper into crazy stuff...It was a very decadent era, lots of champagne, lots of cocaine lots of well other things that start with C and P for that matter LOL (not sure I can be that explicit on a blog, but you get the picture). I loved my daughter Nicole very much, but hadn't been much of a mom to her and she didn't have a father. So I got it into my head that I needed to give her one.. She was living with my mom and she really liked this single dad that lived across the street and had a young son about her age, Aaron. I started dating him and got engaged in 2 wks and married within the month!! I did not love him, but he was nice and my daughter loved him and most important he was crazy about her and me! I really believed I was doing the right thing at the time. I didn't make very good decisions for myself , but my heart was in the right place. Problem was he was generous so I had more money to support my ever growing cocaine habit!!
I remember with a heavy heart, that I used to put my coke on a tray to cut it up and one day my daughter woke up and almost caught me chopping. I put the tray under the couch and must of passed out because the next day my daughter found it and must of thought it was flour or baking soda because she started making cakes (playing make believe cooking, she was about 8 yrs old)! My beautiful daughter was playing with my drugs!!! If she had eaten one of those make believe cakes she could of died!! And yet did this horrible incident make me "wake up" and change??? Unfortunately it didn't and I only got worse cheating on my husband, partying to all hours of the day or night, staying away for days at a time. Sound familiar?? Obviously the marriage didn't last and my Nicole went back to live with my mom for a while so I could get my life back together and start over, or so I thought. I don't know why but at the time it never occurred to me that I had a problem. Sound familiar? My mom told me I drank and smoked to much, but I just chalked up to motherly concern and well aren't moms notorious worriers anyways??? I never blamed myself for my failures, it was always their fault or the circumstances..I was the victim in all my drama. I spent alot of time depressed and saddened at the world and it's people in general! I always believed that most people are born happy and that had moments of sadness, but I was different I was born sad and had moments of happiness... These happy moments were few and far between and I couldn't think of any unless I thought of my one true love...My funny little valentine..my child Nicole, she could always make me smile even in the darkest moments and still does.. (so do all my daughters, I have 2 others: beautiful Brittany and my lovey dove Briana Nicole, named after both her sisters and me, my family calls me ana or anita) I wanted to honor them through her..by naming her after them and did!
More tomorrow..
Nite all!
Hey, thanks for your support on my blog site. Much appreciated. You've had a rough life, but you are doing well. Keep it up! I'm taking one day at a time with mum and getting her through it. How do you get people to come to your site?...well..not sure, but I post once a day if I can, and put plenty of tags on my blogs, so they go out to as many readers as possible. Maybe even get to know a few bloggers and put some on your blog roll. Which reminds me, maybe I could put you on my blogroll and vice versa. Sometimes this can be a useful tool. Don't quote me tho', I'm no expert. I'm just starting out in the blogging world. It's just an out to express myself and practice my writing skills. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank you, and I am glad your mum is ok! How do you tag your blogs and what is a blog roll? LOL I told you I am inexperienced at this but I appreciate your advice and look forward to your response!
ReplyDeleteHi again. thanks for your comments. I appreciate it. Don't feel much like writing at the moment, as I am to accompany my mum to the funeral on Monday, and she's pretty down. I will probably be off air for a few days while I'm away, so bear with me if there are no writings.
ReplyDeleteWith the tag thing, I notice that you are with blogspot and not wordpress. Im not sure how blogspot works, but I did some online tutorials that wordpress had floating around done by other wordpress users. They were pretty good, and taught me the basics. Wordpress has a dashboard that you sign into and write your blogs, you can also build up your blog with different things, like other pages, categories for stories to go under, and tags you can add to your stories. I have built up a list of tags that I can press on and add them to the blog before I publish it. I guess you log into blogspot much the same way, and there must be some gadgets there that you can tweek and play around with. If not, try and find some tutorials online, and also have a look at wordpress if you can, theres some tutorials out there that are great.
Yes, you can use my conditions as a marker for yourself. I think that it is a legally binding thing, but I'm basing that on the premise that anything that is yours and original that you put online is classed as your copyright and your property...as long as it is yours, and can't be used for profit by others..legally anyway. Some would argue that once something is on the internet and in the public view, that it is public property, but I would still go with the fact that it is your original work. I'm no expert or a legal eagle though. Try finding a tutorial with the blogspot. Good luck. Let me know how you go.
Thank you for your advice and again my sincerest condolences. Really I believe the people that are left behind are the one's to feel for, because the departed are at peace.
ReplyDeleteMy best to both you and your mum..
Sincerely,
Elizabeth