The Trialss and tribulations of taking standarized test / GRE

hi I want to apologize for not writing in so long, I was studying for the GRE a test I am required to take in order to be accepted to graduate school. I received the min score needed to get in, but I will probably retake the test in the near future to get a better score which I will need to apply to PhD programs after I complete my masters!It's funny because I have a really high GPA and everyone thinks I am so smart but I am first not a math person and second do not do well on both cumulative or standardized test. Don't get me wrong I have never failed such a test but I do not excel in them,,I am not sure why that is..I study like crazy but I seem to forget a lot of the material when I get to the test. Its not testing anxiety because I excel in all other types of exams (except math I freeze, but again I don't fail, I just don't do as well as I would like) I wish someone was reading this and could give me some advice, but I don't blame people if they are not following my blog. A blog is truly a commitment and I am simply to busy to write every day;however, I will continue to write in hopes someday someone will read my struggles and triumphs and it will help them with their own! The good news as I am sober today and am approaching 4 yrs staying sober no matter life, now they should give out PhD's for that(LOL) sometimes staying sober is a daily battle and one must learn that only through constant introspection and change is the battle won. That"s why I love psychology and philosophy. Psychology strives to understand our behaviors and the thoughts involved in those behaviors through both observation and manipulation by experimentation and philosophy ponders all of life great questiond like why were we created and our purpose. Actually. psychology is a young field only a little over a century old, it branched off from the field of philosophy and many of the great psychologist we reference today were first philosophers. I am a thinker I always have been, I can't seem to stop myself from always thinking! Everyone tells me to stop thinking so much, but since I cant seem to do that I will go to graduate school get my masters in mental health counseling to help others think and behave in a healthy fashion and then I will get my PhD in psychology. PhD stands for a Doctor of Philosophy, so I will ultimately get paid for being a great thinker!!! I cant think of a better way to spend my life..Thinking and helping others think and behave in a healthy way so they may lead happy and productive lives. I am truly blessed! I believe to find something you love to do and also make a living at it is the only way to true happiness and will also be one of my steps when I start the centers for change in order to help both addicts and dually diagnosed clients. If you hate what you do for a living its hard to be happy or content or even feel any satisfaction or have any form of peace of mind. This discontentment with ones life, is in my opinion a recipe for drowning your sorrows with drugs and alcohol. as well as other unhealthy addictions. Therefore, this aspect of our life must be addressed and if necessary changed in order to lead a emotionally happy and stable life, free from addictions and vices of all types..Well more on that later... (don't get me started LOL!!) for now good nite my fellow bloggers God bless! Stay strong and strive to be the best you can be, you are worth it, if you can't believe that just yet, then believe that I believe in you!!! You can do it...just as this once broken addict is doing now! If I can change and succeed, I promise so can you, with a little help!! All the major hotlines (NA, AA ect...) are posted on my blog; so make a call , change your present and your future TODAY!!! Its never to late...nite!!

A PERFECT MOMENT

As I watch her as she breaths in slumber, somehow it seems as if the elements are in synchrony and all is well in the world, if just for a moment...

Sometimes life is just plain hard!

WOW!! nobody ever said staying sober wouldn't be challenging at times. I have been so stressed out I really thought I was going to have a heart attack! I almost got evicted, due to back rent created by non payment of an old roommate. Yeah thanks for that old roomy you know who u r! Thank God my sister came through for me!I have been looking for employment but even minimum wage jobs ask for criminal history and background checks!! How does fraud or drug possession sound on a application?? And then there's some interesting colorful misdemeanors I'd rather forget. It really gets discouraging when 4 years go by you are a senior with a cumulative GPA of 3.715, a single mom struggling to be a good role model for her kids by changing my entire life and showing my girls that its never to late to change and follow your dreams and you can't even get a job at Mc Donalds, not that I want one there, but its hard!! I did get a part time tutoring position but they did a background check so waiting to be summoned. However I was honest from the start that's gotta count for something! School is great!! I love Cognition and my professor she is excellent!! I hope to someday model her teaching style. I truly love psychology and the inner functioning of the mind both unconscious and conscious process, I find it fascinating. I just think I am so blessed to find a career I truly love and have passion for and will never consider just work, its more like a devotion. I just pray I will find employment when the time comes and that my past mistakes won't impede my success. I refuse to believe3 it will in this great country of new beginnings and second chances there has to be hope for someone like me, if not in the United States of America then where? anything other than affirmative would be scary indeed!
No matter the struggle, its all about having faith and striving to continue the struggle one day at a time. Sometimes its difficult but their are a lot of good days and achievements are forthcoming. It's worth it!! Don't give up remember its all about staying sober no matter life and I'd like to add helping others!
God bless nite!

Really tired and overwhelmed but the good news is I'm still sober...no matter life! write more tomorrow nite, stay strong, don't give up, your worth it!

Hi, I know it been about a week since I last blogged. I am sorry, I haven't checked in!
It really been a trying week. I usually face life with a positive attitude always going forward! However, this week I remembered why a lot of addicts give up. I have been trying to get a job, I am in between student loans and am pretty much completely broke, but that's not the problem that's life! What is the problem is all the jobs nowadays ask on the application if you have ever been convicted of a felony and you can't lie because not only is that wrong, but they will probably do a background check. Seriously, even the jobs that pay hardly more than min wage do background checks and when you have a long criminal hx. Good luck!! I had almost forgot all the stupid things I had done in active addiction, how much trouble I had gotten into. Seriously, I was not a very good criminal...I got caught every time! I mean even if I just opened a beer on the street I'd get arrested, if I crossed a yard without permission, I got arrested for trespassing! I mean I really got arrested for everything! It was horrible, a nightmare really, at the end especially!! It brought me to my knees and made me change everything about me. It's funny because In my cognition class we are studying that you have to use the executive mental resources to remain goal oriented and not do things out of habit. It takes effort and God knows I have put forth a tremendous amount of effort in changing my life and taking my experiences and using them to help others. That is my life's goal, but how to make that come across on an application? All they see is the criminal history, not the changed person behind it. That my friends is why I am going for a pardon this year. God willing the governor will grant me one. I CAN prove rehabilitation and from everything I have read on the matter that is the key! If I can do it, I will help others do the same in my centers for change, so they can have a true chance at a new life. The ball and chain of our past mistakes can be overwhelming..
I am a very good student and applied as a tutor at my university. I got the job, but they just ran a background check so....I don't know I mean I was honest, I told the women who hired me that I had a criminal history, but my criminal record is sooooo long..seriously I am not kidding when I said I got arrested for everything!!! I don't mean the charges per say, I haven't robbed a bank or killed anyone or anything like that, but if I crossed the street other than at the cross walk, I would get arrested for jaywalking!! No joke!! little and big things... I got arrested!!
Its hard because I am not that person anymore and it embarrasses me that I did those things. The person I am today would NEVER consider doing any of those thing except maybe jaywalk, but I really try to cross at the cross walks, if only to be a good example to my 5 year old daughter. You can't just say Briana you have to look both ways when crossing the street and always cross at the cross walk when it says "WALK", yet I myself jaywalk..It doesn't work that way! You can't say do what I say not what I do and expect results! That s why I quit smoking a year ago, because my daughter said when she grew up and was 18 yr old she could smoke too. I told her smoking was wrong and could kill you..So she should never smoke and well obviously neither should I so I had to quit!! NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! None the less
I have to be a good example to my children in ALL things. I have morals/ethics today! I am Christian and try very hard to lead a honest life.. I only wish to help others, so my mistakes, pain and suffering isn't all for nothing!! The gray cloud that was my life is now a silver lining!!
I wish I knew how to get this out there to you. I know you are out there alone and confused, hopeless and scared..I 'm here I want to help! I've been where you are, I understand. It will be ok, just reach out for help and take it when it is offered!
Change is difficult but its the only way out of the darkness! You can do it..I believe in you..Have faith, whether you believe or not God is with you, take that first step and remember its all about staying sober no matter life...
Like always help lines are posted in my dashboard for your convenience, USE THEM YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
God bless

Find Help here!! Hotline website and numbers

Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline
1-800-662-HELP
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html

Hi again sorry it took me so long to write but well I was without internet for a few days and I was also studying for a test in Cognition which I aced by the way!! I only got one wrong out of 50 questions and that was because I did not read the question correctly. It was one of those tricky "cannot" question,! Where they ask which answer it cannot be. However all and all I was proud of my grade I work hard and its nice when it pays off! I hate it when I study and don't know what the test is asking. Like it is a foreign language!! Have you ever had that happen? You ask yourself whether you accidentally studied the wrong chapters or sometimes it feels like you must of studied the wrong subject. I feel that way about math! LOL Not a math person!
But seriously if I really think about it I am blessed to have those kind of problems today!
It was not long ago that my problems were more basic like how I was going to bathe that day, or where I was going to sleep. Sleeping was not a everyday occasion I remember I once went 10 days without sleeping! Seriously 10 days!! That way the LONGEST time I ever went without sleep and I was delirious! I used to love that feeling like I was floating on a cloud and nothing could touch me. Of course it was just an illusion as was most of my existence at the time. Sound familiar?? Do you feel like you are caught in this existence and there is no way out? You are wrong! It not easy but its doable...I promise! Take that first step make a call, ask for help! And then TAKE IT!! that is the toughest part actually taking the help offered it involves change and although we know that it is no way of living, change is scary and difficult and the familiar is easy. However if you do suck it up and take a leap of faith I promise you someday you could be worried about the grades on a test! Or your bills or which party to go to (yes recovering people do go to party we just don't drink!)We face life on life's terms and learn to enjoy the simple stuff or at least I have. I mean going to the beach with my 5 year old daughter, or spending the day with my older daughter and her boyfriend at the pool. Those are the moment I cherish and its all because I am staying sober one day at a time no matter what problems I may encounter in my life. You can too! Really no bull it's all about having a little faith in your higher power and in your self. You are worth it6! No matter what you have done or are doing right now, you are a worthwhile person worthy of another chance. I have post Hotlines to AA NA and others on this website. Please look at my previous post and look for them. Maybe you will even read a little about your life and see you are definitely not alone. I've been there!! So I know without a doubt you can make it out of the darkness and into the light. It's all about taking that first crucial step and staying sober no matter life!

Just checking in

Hi I am sorry I have not written in few days but my beautiful daughter Nicole was in town with her love. He is wonderful and I have never seen her so happy. Lord knows my baby deserves happiness and a strong healthy stable relationship. She deserves someone she can build a wonderful life with without the dysfunction she grew up with. My dearest wish is that the rest of her life be filled with love and happiness! I spent the entire day with her today we hung out by the pool in her hotel and had lunch and designer water! It was lovely! I feel so blessed and as if I have become a better person for just having been with her, as if her presence made me grow, created a change in me.o She is proud of me and that is the best compliment a mother especially this mother could wish for. She makes me want to be a better person, work a little harder. Actually, all my children do. I feel honored to just have been a part of their journey into the world. Each and everyone of them is incredible, opinionated and stubborn and I wouldn't have it any other way! They are unique individuals and I love them madly!
I won't be able to write for a few days unless I go to library, changing from broadband to wireless and they whttp://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.htmlon't be here till tuesday. However if I get to a library I will check in.
I just wanted to share with you the extent of my blessings, see a few years back I hadn't seen my daughters in over 10 years and now they come visit, text, call and are proud of me. That my friends is a true miracle and it can happen to you.... If you haven't seen your family or children in a long time and feel the situation can not be repaired take heart it can. Remember it's all about letting go and letting God and staying sober no matter life!!! and the blessings will come! If I can do it so can you! Just take that first step admit you need help and get it! Its out their the AA hotline is 800-570-4150. They can direct you to a meeting in your area. If alcohol isn't your thing this link is the National hotline number and can direct you in the direction you seek :
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html
God bless and stay strong you deserve God's blessings!!!

Happy Independence Day!!

Happy 4th everyone! Today I want to speak about independence and what that means to a recovering alcoholic/addict, or at least this one. I am so grateful for my independence from addiction. I was dependent on alcohol and drugs during almost my entire life and now am independent of them. I feel so very blessed to live in a country where we have independence. I feel so very blessed to now have a life independent of any mind altering substance. I have spent so many 4th of July weekends drunk and wasted on drugs in my life, however the past 4 years I have had sober 4ths and have really enjoyed the beauty of the occasion both literally with the incredible fireworks as well as the spirit of the occasion. Independence!!
This weekend was wonderful, I spent the weekend with my child Briana and her father. Yesterday the 3rd of July which was a Saturday we went to the Zoo. I hadn't been since my eldest child was small so it has been quite some time. I don't think I ever went with my middle child and since I only had her for the first 5 years of her life, it is possible we did not attend the Metro Zoo or Zoo Miami as it is now called, such a shame! It is beautiful! I absolutely loved it, and tried to see it through my 5 year old's eyes. I also have just completed an Animal Behavior psychology course so I was familiar with most of the animals and their different species through reading and films. It was great to actually meet them! Although there were rare and exotic animals like lemurs and grevy zebras and three toed sloths. LOL! I think I really most enjoyed feeding the giraffe's. I thought there tongues would feel slimy and wet, however they did not. The tongue was rough and not slimy in the least. I enjoyed how it felt across the tips of my fingers or the palms of my hands when the giraffe stuck out his enormous gray tongue to retrieve the lettuce I offered. There was a mother 26 years of age, a father 14 yrs old and 2 children one 7 months old and one just two weeks old!! He was so tall I couldn't believe he was so young and he walked perfectly. I guess animals are born with the ability to walk or fly right away,or relatively soon. While humans must first lift there heads, then shoulder, sit up, crawl, then finally pull themselves up prior to taking that first step. The process takes at least 10 months, sometimes a year or more. Yet a 2 week old giraffe not only walks but is as tall as a tree!!! A giraffe eats cabbage, lettuce and bananas most start eating leaves at about 4 weeks although may continue to nurse. I found them beautiful and regal in their stature. I felt honored to meet them so closely. That was yesterday!
Today, I went to FAU where I attend classes to a 4th of July bash. It rained all day but would subside to a drizzle more than not so we (me, my 5 yr old and her friend) were able to enjoy all the festivities. First we went to a Shakespeare play, midsummer mights dream. We made it in time for the entire second act. Briana had been to the ballet often, but it was her first play and she loved it! I was thrilled, both her and her friend were very still and quiet and totally engrossed in the dialogue. Although I am not sure how much they truly understood. I myself had to really listen to understand all of the dialogue. Shakespearean English is not always easy to comprehend, especially for a novice! However, the children enjoyed the costumes and all the excitement. After all the play includes fairies and a princess, a drag queen (LOL) and well it was quite good!! Then we had hot dogs for dinner and the girls got their faces painted. They also had bounce houses but because of the rain they were very slippery and wet. More fun!!! LOL. At least that's how they saw it! Thank God I thought to bring an extra outfit for each of them just in case!! Then we all met up with Briana's dad and his friend and went to a indoor concert at University theater. It was glorious and ended with the star spangled banner! It had started to drizzle again as we left the theater but only a few feet out and the fireworks began just as we were crossing a small bridge. We had the best view in the house!! It was spectacular and continued for 30 minutes. I honestly can say it was the best show I have ever seen or at the very least the best show I can remember seeing!!
Being sober brings you many blessing. I have had many! Why just in the last week I have seen and spent time with my father and his very devoted wife, have spent a wonderful weekend and the blessings still keep coming with the arrival of my funny little valentine. My very grown up daughter Nicole and her very serious beau. I will be meeting him for the first time, I hope he is good enough for her and realizes how lucky he is!!
I speak of these many blessings not only to share them with my readers, but also because not to long ago I was completely estranged from my children, in particular my two eldest children, my father sibling, seriously my entire family. Sobriety has brought me miracles and I know it can do the same for you. I am sure of it!!
So goodnight my fellow bloggers and remember its all about staying sober no matter life!!
Ps. Thank you God!!

Hi, I was almost done blogging and again I touched something accidentally and "Puff" it was gone so this is gonna be short. Just wanted to share with you an important event I experienced in the 80's. besides the birth of my first child it was the most significant event. My first time being incarcerated.. I don't really remember all the specifics surrounding the cause of the incarceration and really it's not important at this point. We have already established I did not make stellar choices for myself or my children at this time in my life. I remember it was around valentines day because my heart ached for my one true love...yep you guessed it my funny little valentine(my child Nicole) and I wrote her this from within the walls of a jail cell.
.
Hello my funny little valentine, I pray to God you are doing fine...and I want you to know that I didn't choose to go... and the sun, it just isn't as bright since you left my sight...and I miss you so much, how I long for your touch...and though your not here with me , your smiling face I do see every night as I sleep, every day as I weep...and I hope that today to the Lord you will pray ..
For mommy needs you so on this Valentines Day!!

Of course, as I look at it now I realize it was a selfish poem.. I should of never let her know I was weeping on a daily basis and that I was so distressed. Although it's true I didn't choose to leave her, I did choose to commit an illegal act that took me away from her and that was so selfish!!! She needed me, she was just a child! And I put it all on her by saying I needed her so much..but God help me I did and still do..
Of course not in the same selfish way, but I love her and she will always be my dearest love my other self... but that's another poem and another decade!
Nite, and remember it's all about change and staying sober no matter life!! If I could do it, believe me so can you! I promise, it can be done...Just take that first step and believe...I do!!!

Hi, I started classes today summer term B. I am taking a Cognition class which is all about perception and the mind and brain. For example "Why is it we remember some things and not others?" or 'Why is it when we try to cram for an exam we can't concentrate? I don't yet have the answers to these questions but I do find the subject interesting and very appropriate. Why can I remember some things about my past and not others? In the last two post I tell you a little about myself and how I fell into the darkness. I will pick up in the 80's tomorrow and continue with what I can remember of my life, but for today it is important for me to tell you something I forgot in yesterdays post..The point of all my stories is that no matter how far down you fall you CAN get up. No matter how hopeless it seems I promise you it is not ..there is always hope! Change is within your reach you just have to have faith and take that first step towards it..Remember if I can do it ANYONE can!!!
God bless and stay sober no matter life...

Hi first I want to say that I am not in any way blaming my dear mother, my uncle , God or Lucifer for that matter for my addiction or anything else. I take responsibility for all my actions for all my mistakes and for all my victories!! Now that, I have clarified that ... Let me tell you about my day before I pick up where I left of yesterday in the story of my life or what I remember...
Today was a good day! I spent it with my dad and his wife, which are here from South America for a short visit..My dad has Alzheimer's and is 84 so every second I spend with him is like an incredible gift..I relish every second and consider it a blessing from God..Thank you!!

About my life where did I leave off?? Oh yeah, the 80's and my attempt at a geographical change..Well like I told you it did not work, so I came back and got in deeper into crazy stuff...It was a very decadent era, lots of champagne, lots of cocaine lots of well other things that start with C and P for that matter LOL (not sure I can be that explicit on a blog, but you get the picture). I loved my daughter Nicole very much, but hadn't been much of a mom to her and she didn't have a father. So I got it into my head that I needed to give her one.. She was living with my mom and she really liked this single dad that lived across the street and had a young son about her age, Aaron. I started dating him and got engaged in 2 wks and married within the month!! I did not love him, but he was nice and my daughter loved him and most important he was crazy about her and me! I really believed I was doing the right thing at the time. I didn't make very good decisions for myself , but my heart was in the right place. Problem was he was generous so I had more money to support my ever growing cocaine habit!!
I remember with a heavy heart, that I used to put my coke on a tray to cut it up and one day my daughter woke up and almost caught me chopping. I put the tray under the couch and must of passed out because the next day my daughter found it and must of thought it was flour or baking soda because she started making cakes (playing make believe cooking, she was about 8 yrs old)! My beautiful daughter was playing with my drugs!!! If she had eaten one of those make believe cakes she could of died!! And yet did this horrible incident make me "wake up" and change??? Unfortunately it didn't and I only got worse cheating on my husband, partying to all hours of the day or night, staying away for days at a time. Sound familiar?? Obviously the marriage didn't last and my Nicole went back to live with my mom for a while so I could get my life back together and start over, or so I thought. I don't know why but at the time it never occurred to me that I had a problem. Sound familiar? My mom told me I drank and smoked to much, but I just chalked up to motherly concern and well aren't moms notorious worriers anyways??? I never blamed myself for my failures, it was always their fault or the circumstances..I was the victim in all my drama. I spent alot of time depressed and saddened at the world and it's people in general! I always believed that most people are born happy and that had moments of sadness, but I was different I was born sad and had moments of happiness... These happy moments were few and far between and I couldn't think of any unless I thought of my one true love...My funny little valentine..my child Nicole, she could always make me smile even in the darkest moments and still does.. (so do all my daughters, I have 2 others: beautiful Brittany and my lovey dove Briana Nicole, named after both her sisters and me, my family calls me ana or anita) I wanted to honor them through her..by naming her after them and did!
More tomorrow..
Nite all!

Intro My life story or as much as I can remember LOL

Hi I was just blogging and I accidentally touched something and "PUFF" it was gone! I haven't figured it out yet but hopefully I will be able to get through this 1st BLOG. I have always wanted to blog but wasn't sure I had anything very interesting to say. However today I decided to go for it because I felt I did have something worth sharing. Today I stayed sober no matter life!! You may be wondering what the hell that means??? Well it means life happens, families fight, you get stressed, car problems, money problems, spouse problems, school problems...Hence life. So staying sober no matter life means no matter what life throws at you ..you stay sober. I am not saying its easy or doesn't suck sometimes I am just saying don't pick up no matter life..don't give up no matter life.. You may be saying what the hell does that person know about my life, and your right I don't know anything about your life, but I can tell you about mine. Maybe something I say, I've experienced will call out to you and you can relate, maybe not..either way here it is...
Hi I am a 49 year old female who has been sober since October 2006, it is also the last time I snorted, smoked, inhaled or took any drugs! Which is truly a miracle because practically every time I drank I would "experiment with the drug of the day, week, or era. LOL no seriously if it made you feel "good" I'd try it!! Then I try it over and over and over again...get the picture??? Sound familiar??
It all started I believe as a baby when my well meaning mother gave me aguardiente ( a Spanish liquor) in my baby bottles to help me sleep!! Ever since I can remember I drank, I remember being about 7 or 8 years old and being at my family party's and whenever my parents or their guests got up to dance I'd down their shots or rum and coke called "cuba libre" with a twist! I remember being hung over before I was old enough to wear a bra!!! By 12 I was snorting coke, I was introduced to cocaine in Medellin, Colombia S. A by my uncle who used the stuff as an anesthetic in his surgeries. He gave to me so I'd wake up because I was plastered and my mom was gonna KILL me!! I was everyone's favorite niece and the life of the party!! Sound familiar yet??? My life continued and the addictions got stronger. I had a daughter when I was still a teenager Nicole she's beautiful and still the light of my life!!! I tried to straighten up for her but I failed and my mom pretty much raised her along with dad and brother. I was an addict by then but still didn't know or believe it!! Sound familiar??? Not yet?? I'll continue..
I tried a geographical change or rather several, moved to New York from Florida ( I mostly lived in Florida but traveled often for months at a time to South America). It didn't work I lost almost everything including about 30 lbs became pretty much anorexic. Snorted coke all the time now. Did a few Qualudes (remember those?)and thought I looked great!!! Called an x boyfriend sent me a first class ticket and a limo at the airport back to Florida. I did coke on my tray on the plane no one said anything. Drank champagne and the rest is a blurr...Gotta love the 80's LOL!! I had some fun and don't regret all of my past, because it made me who I am today...Any of this ringing a bell yet???
I'll pick up with my life story tomorrow but let me tell you a little about who I am today, so you can understand what I just said. I am a 49 year old mother of 3 girls the youngest which is 5 Briana and lives with me. I am a full time student majoringin psychology and my goals include grad school in the spring of 2011 in mental health counseling so I can help others reclaim their lives and stay sober no matter life. I have recently developed a preventative mental health program for high risk children and am looking into funding opportunities to further explore this possibility. I believe with a preventative program in place high risk children have an opportunity at a mental health live free from substance abuse and full blown disorders. If the program does not eliminate these problems our children face it can greatly reduce them and keep our children out of the criminal justice system and in school...There is so much more to it and that is actually its name the" MAS" program which means "more" in Spanish. Our children deserve more..More of a change for a mentally healthy life. More of a chance of a promising future....
More on this later!!
Goodnite to you all my fellow blogger s, I am not even sure how this works and if you can answer me or comment on what I have written, but I'll continue blogging my life story tomorrow and remember it's all really about staying sober no matter life!!!
Nite... and stay strong, you can do it, if I can anyone can!!
God bless!!!