Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hi, I know it been about a week since I last blogged. I am sorry, I haven't checked in!
It really been a trying week. I usually face life with a positive attitude always going forward! However, this week I remembered why a lot of addicts give up. I have been trying to get a job, I am in between student loans and am pretty much completely broke, but that's not the problem that's life! What is the problem is all the jobs nowadays ask on the application if you have ever been convicted of a felony and you can't lie because not only is that wrong, but they will probably do a background check. Seriously, even the jobs that pay hardly more than min wage do background checks and when you have a long criminal hx. Good luck!! I had almost forgot all the stupid things I had done in active addiction, how much trouble I had gotten into. Seriously, I was not a very good criminal...I got caught every time! I mean even if I just opened a beer on the street I'd get arrested, if I crossed a yard without permission, I got arrested for trespassing! I mean I really got arrested for everything! It was horrible, a nightmare really, at the end especially!! It brought me to my knees and made me change everything about me. It's funny because In my cognition class we are studying that you have to use the executive mental resources to remain goal oriented and not do things out of habit. It takes effort and God knows I have put forth a tremendous amount of effort in changing my life and taking my experiences and using them to help others. That is my life's goal, but how to make that come across on an application? All they see is the criminal history, not the changed person behind it. That my friends is why I am going for a pardon this year. God willing the governor will grant me one. I CAN prove rehabilitation and from everything I have read on the matter that is the key! If I can do it, I will help others do the same in my centers for change, so they can have a true chance at a new life. The ball and chain of our past mistakes can be overwhelming..
I am a very good student and applied as a tutor at my university. I got the job, but they just ran a background check so....I don't know I mean I was honest, I told the women who hired me that I had a criminal history, but my criminal record is sooooo long..seriously I am not kidding when I said I got arrested for everything!!! I don't mean the charges per say, I haven't robbed a bank or killed anyone or anything like that, but if I crossed the street other than at the cross walk, I would get arrested for jaywalking!! No joke!! little and big things... I got arrested!!
Its hard because I am not that person anymore and it embarrasses me that I did those things. The person I am today would NEVER consider doing any of those thing except maybe jaywalk, but I really try to cross at the cross walks, if only to be a good example to my 5 year old daughter. You can't just say Briana you have to look both ways when crossing the street and always cross at the cross walk when it says "WALK", yet I myself jaywalk..It doesn't work that way! You can't say do what I say not what I do and expect results! That s why I quit smoking a year ago, because my daughter said when she grew up and was 18 yr old she could smoke too. I told her smoking was wrong and could kill you..So she should never smoke and well obviously neither should I so I had to quit!! NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! None the less
I have to be a good example to my children in ALL things. I have morals/ethics today! I am Christian and try very hard to lead a honest life.. I only wish to help others, so my mistakes, pain and suffering isn't all for nothing!! The gray cloud that was my life is now a silver lining!!
I wish I knew how to get this out there to you. I know you are out there alone and confused, hopeless and scared..I 'm here I want to help! I've been where you are, I understand. It will be ok, just reach out for help and take it when it is offered!
Change is difficult but its the only way out of the darkness! You can do it..I believe in you..Have faith, whether you believe or not God is with you, take that first step and remember its all about staying sober no matter life...
Like always help lines are posted in my dashboard for your convenience, USE THEM YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
God bless
It really been a trying week. I usually face life with a positive attitude always going forward! However, this week I remembered why a lot of addicts give up. I have been trying to get a job, I am in between student loans and am pretty much completely broke, but that's not the problem that's life! What is the problem is all the jobs nowadays ask on the application if you have ever been convicted of a felony and you can't lie because not only is that wrong, but they will probably do a background check. Seriously, even the jobs that pay hardly more than min wage do background checks and when you have a long criminal hx. Good luck!! I had almost forgot all the stupid things I had done in active addiction, how much trouble I had gotten into. Seriously, I was not a very good criminal...I got caught every time! I mean even if I just opened a beer on the street I'd get arrested, if I crossed a yard without permission, I got arrested for trespassing! I mean I really got arrested for everything! It was horrible, a nightmare really, at the end especially!! It brought me to my knees and made me change everything about me. It's funny because In my cognition class we are studying that you have to use the executive mental resources to remain goal oriented and not do things out of habit. It takes effort and God knows I have put forth a tremendous amount of effort in changing my life and taking my experiences and using them to help others. That is my life's goal, but how to make that come across on an application? All they see is the criminal history, not the changed person behind it. That my friends is why I am going for a pardon this year. God willing the governor will grant me one. I CAN prove rehabilitation and from everything I have read on the matter that is the key! If I can do it, I will help others do the same in my centers for change, so they can have a true chance at a new life. The ball and chain of our past mistakes can be overwhelming..
I am a very good student and applied as a tutor at my university. I got the job, but they just ran a background check so....I don't know I mean I was honest, I told the women who hired me that I had a criminal history, but my criminal record is sooooo long..seriously I am not kidding when I said I got arrested for everything!!! I don't mean the charges per say, I haven't robbed a bank or killed anyone or anything like that, but if I crossed the street other than at the cross walk, I would get arrested for jaywalking!! No joke!! little and big things... I got arrested!!
Its hard because I am not that person anymore and it embarrasses me that I did those things. The person I am today would NEVER consider doing any of those thing except maybe jaywalk, but I really try to cross at the cross walks, if only to be a good example to my 5 year old daughter. You can't just say Briana you have to look both ways when crossing the street and always cross at the cross walk when it says "WALK", yet I myself jaywalk..It doesn't work that way! You can't say do what I say not what I do and expect results! That s why I quit smoking a year ago, because my daughter said when she grew up and was 18 yr old she could smoke too. I told her smoking was wrong and could kill you..So she should never smoke and well obviously neither should I so I had to quit!! NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! None the less
I have to be a good example to my children in ALL things. I have morals/ethics today! I am Christian and try very hard to lead a honest life.. I only wish to help others, so my mistakes, pain and suffering isn't all for nothing!! The gray cloud that was my life is now a silver lining!!
I wish I knew how to get this out there to you. I know you are out there alone and confused, hopeless and scared..I 'm here I want to help! I've been where you are, I understand. It will be ok, just reach out for help and take it when it is offered!
Change is difficult but its the only way out of the darkness! You can do it..I believe in you..Have faith, whether you believe or not God is with you, take that first step and remember its all about staying sober no matter life...
Like always help lines are posted in my dashboard for your convenience, USE THEM YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
God bless
Friday, July 16, 2010
Find Help here!! Hotline website and numbers
Alcohol/Drug Abuse Hotline
1-800-662-HELP
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html
1-800-662-HELP
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html
Hi again sorry it took me so long to write but well I was without internet for a few days and I was also studying for a test in Cognition which I aced by the way!! I only got one wrong out of 50 questions and that was because I did not read the question correctly. It was one of those tricky "cannot" question,! Where they ask which answer it cannot be. However all and all I was proud of my grade I work hard and its nice when it pays off! I hate it when I study and don't know what the test is asking. Like it is a foreign language!! Have you ever had that happen? You ask yourself whether you accidentally studied the wrong chapters or sometimes it feels like you must of studied the wrong subject. I feel that way about math! LOL Not a math person!
But seriously if I really think about it I am blessed to have those kind of problems today!
It was not long ago that my problems were more basic like how I was going to bathe that day, or where I was going to sleep. Sleeping was not a everyday occasion I remember I once went 10 days without sleeping! Seriously 10 days!! That way the LONGEST time I ever went without sleep and I was delirious! I used to love that feeling like I was floating on a cloud and nothing could touch me. Of course it was just an illusion as was most of my existence at the time. Sound familiar?? Do you feel like you are caught in this existence and there is no way out? You are wrong! It not easy but its doable...I promise! Take that first step make a call, ask for help! And then TAKE IT!! that is the toughest part actually taking the help offered it involves change and although we know that it is no way of living, change is scary and difficult and the familiar is easy. However if you do suck it up and take a leap of faith I promise you someday you could be worried about the grades on a test! Or your bills or which party to go to (yes recovering people do go to party we just don't drink!)We face life on life's terms and learn to enjoy the simple stuff or at least I have. I mean going to the beach with my 5 year old daughter, or spending the day with my older daughter and her boyfriend at the pool. Those are the moment I cherish and its all because I am staying sober one day at a time no matter what problems I may encounter in my life. You can too! Really no bull it's all about having a little faith in your higher power and in your self. You are worth it6! No matter what you have done or are doing right now, you are a worthwhile person worthy of another chance. I have post Hotlines to AA NA and others on this website. Please look at my previous post and look for them. Maybe you will even read a little about your life and see you are definitely not alone. I've been there!! So I know without a doubt you can make it out of the darkness and into the light. It's all about taking that first crucial step and staying sober no matter life!
But seriously if I really think about it I am blessed to have those kind of problems today!
It was not long ago that my problems were more basic like how I was going to bathe that day, or where I was going to sleep. Sleeping was not a everyday occasion I remember I once went 10 days without sleeping! Seriously 10 days!! That way the LONGEST time I ever went without sleep and I was delirious! I used to love that feeling like I was floating on a cloud and nothing could touch me. Of course it was just an illusion as was most of my existence at the time. Sound familiar?? Do you feel like you are caught in this existence and there is no way out? You are wrong! It not easy but its doable...I promise! Take that first step make a call, ask for help! And then TAKE IT!! that is the toughest part actually taking the help offered it involves change and although we know that it is no way of living, change is scary and difficult and the familiar is easy. However if you do suck it up and take a leap of faith I promise you someday you could be worried about the grades on a test! Or your bills or which party to go to (yes recovering people do go to party we just don't drink!)We face life on life's terms and learn to enjoy the simple stuff or at least I have. I mean going to the beach with my 5 year old daughter, or spending the day with my older daughter and her boyfriend at the pool. Those are the moment I cherish and its all because I am staying sober one day at a time no matter what problems I may encounter in my life. You can too! Really no bull it's all about having a little faith in your higher power and in your self. You are worth it6! No matter what you have done or are doing right now, you are a worthwhile person worthy of another chance. I have post Hotlines to AA NA and others on this website. Please look at my previous post and look for them. Maybe you will even read a little about your life and see you are definitely not alone. I've been there!! So I know without a doubt you can make it out of the darkness and into the light. It's all about taking that first crucial step and staying sober no matter life!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Just checking in
Hi I am sorry I have not written in few days but my beautiful daughter Nicole was in town with her love. He is wonderful and I have never seen her so happy. Lord knows my baby deserves happiness and a strong healthy stable relationship. She deserves someone she can build a wonderful life with without the dysfunction she grew up with. My dearest wish is that the rest of her life be filled with love and happiness! I spent the entire day with her today we hung out by the pool in her hotel and had lunch and designer water! It was lovely! I feel so blessed and as if I have become a better person for just having been with her, as if her presence made me grow, created a change in me.o She is proud of me and that is the best compliment a mother especially this mother could wish for. She makes me want to be a better person, work a little harder. Actually, all my children do. I feel honored to just have been a part of their journey into the world. Each and everyone of them is incredible, opinionated and stubborn and I wouldn't have it any other way! They are unique individuals and I love them madly!
I won't be able to write for a few days unless I go to library, changing from broadband to wireless and they whttp://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.htmlon't be here till tuesday. However if I get to a library I will check in.
I just wanted to share with you the extent of my blessings, see a few years back I hadn't seen my daughters in over 10 years and now they come visit, text, call and are proud of me. That my friends is a true miracle and it can happen to you.... If you haven't seen your family or children in a long time and feel the situation can not be repaired take heart it can. Remember it's all about letting go and letting God and staying sober no matter life!!! and the blessings will come! If I can do it so can you! Just take that first step admit you need help and get it! Its out their the AA hotline is 800-570-4150. They can direct you to a meeting in your area. If alcohol isn't your thing this link is the National hotline number and can direct you in the direction you seek :
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html
God bless and stay strong you deserve God's blessings!!!
I won't be able to write for a few days unless I go to library, changing from broadband to wireless and they whttp://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.htmlon't be here till tuesday. However if I get to a library I will check in.
I just wanted to share with you the extent of my blessings, see a few years back I hadn't seen my daughters in over 10 years and now they come visit, text, call and are proud of me. That my friends is a true miracle and it can happen to you.... If you haven't seen your family or children in a long time and feel the situation can not be repaired take heart it can. Remember it's all about letting go and letting God and staying sober no matter life!!! and the blessings will come! If I can do it so can you! Just take that first step admit you need help and get it! Its out their the AA hotline is 800-570-4150. They can direct you to a meeting in your area. If alcohol isn't your thing this link is the National hotline number and can direct you in the direction you seek :
http://www.recovery-world.com/National-Hotline-Phone-Numbers.html
God bless and stay strong you deserve God's blessings!!!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Happy Independence Day!!
Happy 4th everyone! Today I want to speak about independence and what that means to a recovering alcoholic/addict, or at least this one. I am so grateful for my independence from addiction. I was dependent on alcohol and drugs during almost my entire life and now am independent of them. I feel so very blessed to live in a country where we have independence. I feel so very blessed to now have a life independent of any mind altering substance. I have spent so many 4th of July weekends drunk and wasted on drugs in my life, however the past 4 years I have had sober 4ths and have really enjoyed the beauty of the occasion both literally with the incredible fireworks as well as the spirit of the occasion. Independence!!
This weekend was wonderful, I spent the weekend with my child Briana and her father. Yesterday the 3rd of July which was a Saturday we went to the Zoo. I hadn't been since my eldest child was small so it has been quite some time. I don't think I ever went with my middle child and since I only had her for the first 5 years of her life, it is possible we did not attend the Metro Zoo or Zoo Miami as it is now called, such a shame! It is beautiful! I absolutely loved it, and tried to see it through my 5 year old's eyes. I also have just completed an Animal Behavior psychology course so I was familiar with most of the animals and their different species through reading and films. It was great to actually meet them! Although there were rare and exotic animals like lemurs and grevy zebras and three toed sloths. LOL! I think I really most enjoyed feeding the giraffe's. I thought there tongues would feel slimy and wet, however they did not. The tongue was rough and not slimy in the least. I enjoyed how it felt across the tips of my fingers or the palms of my hands when the giraffe stuck out his enormous gray tongue to retrieve the lettuce I offered. There was a mother 26 years of age, a father 14 yrs old and 2 children one 7 months old and one just two weeks old!! He was so tall I couldn't believe he was so young and he walked perfectly. I guess animals are born with the ability to walk or fly right away,or relatively soon. While humans must first lift there heads, then shoulder, sit up, crawl, then finally pull themselves up prior to taking that first step. The process takes at least 10 months, sometimes a year or more. Yet a 2 week old giraffe not only walks but is as tall as a tree!!! A giraffe eats cabbage, lettuce and bananas most start eating leaves at about 4 weeks although may continue to nurse. I found them beautiful and regal in their stature. I felt honored to meet them so closely. That was yesterday!
Today, I went to FAU where I attend classes to a 4th of July bash. It rained all day but would subside to a drizzle more than not so we (me, my 5 yr old and her friend) were able to enjoy all the festivities. First we went to a Shakespeare play, midsummer mights dream. We made it in time for the entire second act. Briana had been to the ballet often, but it was her first play and she loved it! I was thrilled, both her and her friend were very still and quiet and totally engrossed in the dialogue. Although I am not sure how much they truly understood. I myself had to really listen to understand all of the dialogue. Shakespearean English is not always easy to comprehend, especially for a novice! However, the children enjoyed the costumes and all the excitement. After all the play includes fairies and a princess, a drag queen (LOL) and well it was quite good!! Then we had hot dogs for dinner and the girls got their faces painted. They also had bounce houses but because of the rain they were very slippery and wet. More fun!!! LOL. At least that's how they saw it! Thank God I thought to bring an extra outfit for each of them just in case!! Then we all met up with Briana's dad and his friend and went to a indoor concert at University theater. It was glorious and ended with the star spangled banner! It had started to drizzle again as we left the theater but only a few feet out and the fireworks began just as we were crossing a small bridge. We had the best view in the house!! It was spectacular and continued for 30 minutes. I honestly can say it was the best show I have ever seen or at the very least the best show I can remember seeing!!
Being sober brings you many blessing. I have had many! Why just in the last week I have seen and spent time with my father and his very devoted wife, have spent a wonderful weekend and the blessings still keep coming with the arrival of my funny little valentine. My very grown up daughter Nicole and her very serious beau. I will be meeting him for the first time, I hope he is good enough for her and realizes how lucky he is!!
I speak of these many blessings not only to share them with my readers, but also because not to long ago I was completely estranged from my children, in particular my two eldest children, my father sibling, seriously my entire family. Sobriety has brought me miracles and I know it can do the same for you. I am sure of it!!
So goodnight my fellow bloggers and remember its all about staying sober no matter life!!
Ps. Thank you God!!
This weekend was wonderful, I spent the weekend with my child Briana and her father. Yesterday the 3rd of July which was a Saturday we went to the Zoo. I hadn't been since my eldest child was small so it has been quite some time. I don't think I ever went with my middle child and since I only had her for the first 5 years of her life, it is possible we did not attend the Metro Zoo or Zoo Miami as it is now called, such a shame! It is beautiful! I absolutely loved it, and tried to see it through my 5 year old's eyes. I also have just completed an Animal Behavior psychology course so I was familiar with most of the animals and their different species through reading and films. It was great to actually meet them! Although there were rare and exotic animals like lemurs and grevy zebras and three toed sloths. LOL! I think I really most enjoyed feeding the giraffe's. I thought there tongues would feel slimy and wet, however they did not. The tongue was rough and not slimy in the least. I enjoyed how it felt across the tips of my fingers or the palms of my hands when the giraffe stuck out his enormous gray tongue to retrieve the lettuce I offered. There was a mother 26 years of age, a father 14 yrs old and 2 children one 7 months old and one just two weeks old!! He was so tall I couldn't believe he was so young and he walked perfectly. I guess animals are born with the ability to walk or fly right away,or relatively soon. While humans must first lift there heads, then shoulder, sit up, crawl, then finally pull themselves up prior to taking that first step. The process takes at least 10 months, sometimes a year or more. Yet a 2 week old giraffe not only walks but is as tall as a tree!!! A giraffe eats cabbage, lettuce and bananas most start eating leaves at about 4 weeks although may continue to nurse. I found them beautiful and regal in their stature. I felt honored to meet them so closely. That was yesterday!
Today, I went to FAU where I attend classes to a 4th of July bash. It rained all day but would subside to a drizzle more than not so we (me, my 5 yr old and her friend) were able to enjoy all the festivities. First we went to a Shakespeare play, midsummer mights dream. We made it in time for the entire second act. Briana had been to the ballet often, but it was her first play and she loved it! I was thrilled, both her and her friend were very still and quiet and totally engrossed in the dialogue. Although I am not sure how much they truly understood. I myself had to really listen to understand all of the dialogue. Shakespearean English is not always easy to comprehend, especially for a novice! However, the children enjoyed the costumes and all the excitement. After all the play includes fairies and a princess, a drag queen (LOL) and well it was quite good!! Then we had hot dogs for dinner and the girls got their faces painted. They also had bounce houses but because of the rain they were very slippery and wet. More fun!!! LOL. At least that's how they saw it! Thank God I thought to bring an extra outfit for each of them just in case!! Then we all met up with Briana's dad and his friend and went to a indoor concert at University theater. It was glorious and ended with the star spangled banner! It had started to drizzle again as we left the theater but only a few feet out and the fireworks began just as we were crossing a small bridge. We had the best view in the house!! It was spectacular and continued for 30 minutes. I honestly can say it was the best show I have ever seen or at the very least the best show I can remember seeing!!
Being sober brings you many blessing. I have had many! Why just in the last week I have seen and spent time with my father and his very devoted wife, have spent a wonderful weekend and the blessings still keep coming with the arrival of my funny little valentine. My very grown up daughter Nicole and her very serious beau. I will be meeting him for the first time, I hope he is good enough for her and realizes how lucky he is!!
I speak of these many blessings not only to share them with my readers, but also because not to long ago I was completely estranged from my children, in particular my two eldest children, my father sibling, seriously my entire family. Sobriety has brought me miracles and I know it can do the same for you. I am sure of it!!
So goodnight my fellow bloggers and remember its all about staying sober no matter life!!
Ps. Thank you God!!
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