Hi, I know it been about a week since I last blogged. I am sorry, I haven't checked in!
It really been a trying week. I usually face life with a positive attitude always going forward! However, this week I remembered why a lot of addicts give up. I have been trying to get a job, I am in between student loans and am pretty much completely broke, but that's not the problem that's life! What is the problem is all the jobs nowadays ask on the application if you have ever been convicted of a felony and you can't lie because not only is that wrong, but they will probably do a background check. Seriously, even the jobs that pay hardly more than min wage do background checks and when you have a long criminal hx. Good luck!! I had almost forgot all the stupid things I had done in active addiction, how much trouble I had gotten into. Seriously, I was not a very good criminal...I got caught every time! I mean even if I just opened a beer on the street I'd get arrested, if I crossed a yard without permission, I got arrested for trespassing! I mean I really got arrested for everything! It was horrible, a nightmare really, at the end especially!! It brought me to my knees and made me change everything about me. It's funny because In my cognition class we are studying that you have to use the executive mental resources to remain goal oriented and not do things out of habit. It takes effort and God knows I have put forth a tremendous amount of effort in changing my life and taking my experiences and using them to help others. That is my life's goal, but how to make that come across on an application? All they see is the criminal history, not the changed person behind it. That my friends is why I am going for a pardon this year. God willing the governor will grant me one. I CAN prove rehabilitation and from everything I have read on the matter that is the key! If I can do it, I will help others do the same in my centers for change, so they can have a true chance at a new life. The ball and chain of our past mistakes can be overwhelming..
I am a very good student and applied as a tutor at my university. I got the job, but they just ran a background check so....I don't know I mean I was honest, I told the women who hired me that I had a criminal history, but my criminal record is sooooo long..seriously I am not kidding when I said I got arrested for everything!!! I don't mean the charges per say, I haven't robbed a bank or killed anyone or anything like that, but if I crossed the street other than at the cross walk, I would get arrested for jaywalking!! No joke!! little and big things... I got arrested!!
Its hard because I am not that person anymore and it embarrasses me that I did those things. The person I am today would NEVER consider doing any of those thing except maybe jaywalk, but I really try to cross at the cross walks, if only to be a good example to my 5 year old daughter. You can't just say Briana you have to look both ways when crossing the street and always cross at the cross walk when it says "WALK", yet I myself jaywalk..It doesn't work that way! You can't say do what I say not what I do and expect results! That s why I quit smoking a year ago, because my daughter said when she grew up and was 18 yr old she could smoke too. I told her smoking was wrong and could kill you..So she should never smoke and well obviously neither should I so I had to quit!! NOW THAT WAS HARD!!! None the less
I have to be a good example to my children in ALL things. I have morals/ethics today! I am Christian and try very hard to lead a honest life.. I only wish to help others, so my mistakes, pain and suffering isn't all for nothing!! The gray cloud that was my life is now a silver lining!!
I wish I knew how to get this out there to you. I know you are out there alone and confused, hopeless and scared..I 'm here I want to help! I've been where you are, I understand. It will be ok, just reach out for help and take it when it is offered!
Change is difficult but its the only way out of the darkness! You can do it..I believe in you..Have faith, whether you believe or not God is with you, take that first step and remember its all about staying sober no matter life...
Like always help lines are posted in my dashboard for your convenience, USE THEM YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
God bless